THE Eccentric Party of Great Britain’s candidate for the Uxbridge and South Ruislip constituency, Chris Dowling, this week withdrew his candidature through ill health.

Party leader Lord Toby Jug has now decided to withdraw from the contest for Huntingdon and instead contest Uxbridge.

“This was a hard decision to make as I have so many friends, supporters and fans in Huntingdon, but cometh the hour, cometh the fool,” he said.

“I feel I can best serve my party and indeed my country by taking on Boris Johnson, a clod and dullard of the old school.

“My mentor, the late great Screaming Lord Sutch, tried at 41 elections to score absolutely zero votes. As his true heir apparent, I hope to reach this holy grail he sadly failed to reach.

“I will be armed on the campaign trail with a heavy-duty brush and comb, some scissors and a tub of Brylcreem to sort out Boris' hair.

“I will be joined by my Minister for Hair, Sweeney Todd, who will try to ascertain if the unruly mess is a wig, coconut matting, Astroturf, or real hair.”